Photo Credit: Amanda Ketcham
I've been struggling with identity issues lately. Who am I? It's almost like I can't remember. I look around and see all these girls, some even younger than me, who seem to have it all together.
I'm single. I have remained so all throughout high school, and am now, officially, a class of 2013 graduate of Paloma Valley High School. Single, if you don't count the two weeks in middle school, my entire life. Is it surprising that I find myself, every now and then, wondering what the heck is wrong with me?
I am weak. I am shy. Most of the time, I'm an emotional wreck, whether it be because my dog dies or because I accidentally hit a butterfly with my car. With me, there will be no sass, no bold confrontation, and if you just so happen to accidentally bump into me, I'll probably be the first to apologize. This is who I am. No matter how many times I put on my wanna-be Ray Band sunglasses, just in effort to feel bold and strong and I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, they'll probably be off in five minutes because I'm afraid someone will think that I think I'm too cool. (Unless it's really sunny. Then I'll probably keep them on. Just sayin).
As much as this may annoy me on most days, this is who God made me. He made me emotional and broken. He's the reason I wear my heart on my sleeve. He's the only reason I am who I am today, and I think it's high time I start looking at these characteristics as a positive thing, rather than a negative.
This is me.
And as long as I continue to sit and mope about who I am not, I will never be able to become who God intended me to be.
At the intern retreat I was introduced to six other girls who all long to serve The Lord. The funny thing was that most of us had nothing in common. While I open my heart up to anyone who is willing to mentor me, others are more guarded- more protecting of their heart. While I like to write, another lives for photography. While one girl's heart breaks for the victims of human trafficking, another is passionate about beginning a movement on her own campus. Most of us had nothing in common. But you know what? Each and every one of us have the same living Holy Spirit inside of us, and it's because of God, and the way He made us and the different passions He placed in our hearts, that begins a movement- a bond of sisters- unshakable by man.
So again I say: this is me.
And right now- accepted or not- I am completely and unabashedly, okay with that.
"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting," (Psalm 139: 23-24).
