O Wretched Man

O wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? I thank God- through Jesus Christ our Lord! (Romans 7:24-25)

There's a piece of scripture from Psalm 13 that I've found myself chewing on a lot lately. The Lord has really used it to change me in regards to my relationship with Him. I wanted to share what it was because I really believe it is vital for Christians in today's church culture.

 But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me (Psalm 13:5).

The truth is this: I am Christian who longs to do good, but all too often gives into my fleshly desires and sins. That is who we all are. Sinners.

I would sin and feel an overwhelming weight of guilt and shame. God must be so ashamed of me. My face was downcast and my thoughts always carried me in the direction of wondering what I could do in order to be back on track with God and safe in His love once again. I had sinned and felt guilt and shame because of that sin, and so I believed the way to get rid of my shame would have to be to do something good. If I did good again, then God would be able to be pleased with me once again.

I was living in condemnation. And that is not of the Lord.

I was missing the truth of Gospel. That we are not saved by works but through faith.

For by grace you have been saved through faith, and that not of yourselves; it is the gift of God, not of works, lest anyone should boast. (Ephesians 2:8-9).

And as a Christian who believes in the work of Christ on the cross, I know I am not saved through my works, but I was living in a way that said I believed I was.

And here is where we get down to the nitty-gritty of my problem: I was not having faith in the Lord's unfailing love. That it is unwavering and constant. I felt that if I did something wrong, His love for me was not the same as it was when I was living blamelessly. But this isn't true. God's love for us does not change. It doesn't matter what you have done, His love remains greater still.

It is true that our sin separates us from God (Is 59:2), but it was Christ's sacrifice on the cross that removed that separation once and for all.

Conviction of sin is good. It leads us to repentance. It is truly a good thing to grieve your own sin. But let that grief lead you to the cross. Don't let your grief cause you to set your eyes on yourself and what you can do to fix the problem. We can't fix the problem, and that's why Christ died for us.

Let Christ be the one who changes your heart, and realize the infinite, unfailing, and life saving love of Jesus Christ.

But I trust in your unfailing love. I will rejoice because you have rescued me (Psalm 13:5). 

Malachi | You Are Loved

Malachi just might be my favorite book in the bible. It is convicting and harsh. But It speaks of God's love and is a call to repentance. A call to return to the Lord of heavens armies. I'll be writing a few posts on what God has taught me through the book of Malachi. I hope you are as encouraged as I have been.

The hours drag as I sit with quiet arguments going on in my confused little mind. It's like having a mini angel and demon on your shoulder whispering lies and truth.

You are a sinner. That's all you'll ever be. Look at yourself and look at God. How could He love you?

Yes, indeed. How does God love me? It seems I'm always falling off the deep end, struggling to reach the top. But I forget one thing: the struggle is over. God has reached down and pulled me out of those deep waters where now I can breathe freely.

Yes I sin, and (though I wish it weren't the case) I will keep sinning until the day God calls me home. I will keep stepping off the edge into rough, un-tame waters, and lose my footing but God is always there to pull me right back out.

I have come to grasp the fact that I will never understand the love of the Lord of heavens armies. But He does in fact love us no matter our shortcomings.

"'I have always loved you,' says the Lord," (Malachi 1:2).

It doesn't say I once loved you long ago. It's not I will love you someday once you stop sinning.

He says I have always loved you. I loved you then, I love you now, and I will love you forever.

You don't need to be a better person to earn God's love. You don't need to clean your life up before you go to God. You don't need to pretend to be someone you're not. Come as you are. That doesn't mean you should use His unconditional love as an excuse to sin. It doesn't mean God is okay with your sin. He hates sin.

But you and I can do nothing to earn His love and we can do nothing to deter His love.

This means that all those lies you hear about you not being good enough- you get to throw 'em out the five-story-building window! He is enough. His love is enough, and it covers you.

So take a deep breath and remember you're not drowning. God has reached down Himself to pull you out and give you breath.

You are loved.

"You are precious to me. You are honored, and I love you," (Isaiah 43:4).

If I Were Standing Before You

Psalm 51:10

If I were standing before You I'd marvel at Your majesty. 

If I were standing before You I'd thank You for Your love. 

I'd mention my mom to You, reminding You of how much I loved her, and I'd ask You to soften her heart and to draw her near to You like never before.

If I were standing before You, I'd ask You to heal my step mom, but if it weren't in Your will I'd ask You to use her testimony to draw others to You and to bring You glory.

If I were standing before You I'd hide my eyes because I'd know that You saw all that was in my heart, but I'd ask You to create in me a pure heart and renew a steadfast spirit within me. 

And then shyly, I'd make a request known. One that was for myself. 

But I'd be scared to, because someone once told me that a gift is not asked for, but received. 

So I'd lay before You my dreams, my longings, my desires, and I'd begin to ask You to be gentle until I realized You wouldn't do it any other way. I'd come to find out that my deepest desires were important to You. 

And that's when the burden would be lifted. Because I'd know that I can trust You with what means the most to me. I could trust You even if it was not what You had planned for me, because Your way was better. So much better. 

If I were standing before You I'd fall to my knees, asking You to form me into the woman You've always wanted me to be, even if I knew it would include pain. 

If I were standing before You, I'd ask You to forget what I wanted and have Your way. 

And that's when I realize You've been listening this whole time. 

Does God notice?

Does God notice?

I mean, He's a pretty busy guy.

He's got the balance of the universe to take into consideration. And He is pretty busy putting the clouds in the sky and telling it to rain, even in places where no one lives. He is telling the wind to go in the direction He desires it to go, and He's busy laying out the path of lightning. He's designing the colors of the setting sun and mapping the current of the waves. I mean, come on. Does He notice?

We're talking about the guy who laid the earth's foundation and marked off it's dimensions. That measuring line that stretches across the earth did not come about on it's own. God is busy telling the waves where to halt and giving the rooster it's understanding when to crow.

He is God Almighty, so does He notice the pain that you feel? Does He notice how lonely you are or even the desires of your heart?

Let me assure you dear friend- God notices.

Why do you complain, O Jacob,
and you, Israel, why do you say,
"My plight is hidden from the Lord,
and my cause has passed out of God's notice"?
Do you not know, Have you not heard?
The Lord, the everlasting God, creator of the wide world,
     grows neither weary nor faint;
     no man can fathom his understanding.
He gives vigour to the weary,
new strength to the exhausted.
Young men may grow weary and faint,
even in their prime they may stumble and fall;
but those who look to the Lord will win new strength,
they will grow wings like eagles;
they will run and not be weary,
they will march on and never grow faint. 

(Isaiah 40:27-31 NEB)

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Habakkuk's Complaint | The Lord's Answer

Habakkuk's Complaint

How long, Lord, must I call for help,

but you do not listen?

Or cry out to you, "Violence!"

but you do not save?

Why do you make me look at injustice?

Why do you tolerate wrongdoing?

Destruction and violence are before me;

there is strife, and conflict abounds.

Therefore the law is paralyzed,

and justice never prevails.

The wicked hem in the righteous,

so that justice is preserved.

The Lord's answer

"Look at the nations and watch-

and be utterly amazed.

For I am going to do something in your days

that you would not believe,

even if you were told."

(Habakkuk 1:2-5)

I have many complaints. The list can go on and on, and though I sometimes think God must really be annoyed, He proves continually in His word that He is not. He listens to our complaints.

And He answers.

And when Habakkuk complained again, God answered Him again. 

And I just love that this book ends with His prayer to God. He lifts up His name. 

The Sovereign Lord is my strength; 

he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,

he enables me to tread on the heights.

(Habakkuk 3:19)

As God Reveals Himself

I am always reminding myself to remember who God is.

He is not a pillar of wood or some gold statue.
He is not a god among many others.
He is not distant; He is not far.

He is the one, living and true God and He is near.

I've heard it said that you cannot know a person unless they reveal themselves to you. The same is true with God, and he has certainly revealed Himself.

He reveals Himself throughout the Bible. He reveals Himself through His creation. My favorite of all, though, is when He revealed Himself through His Son.

This weekend we celebrate the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ. We remember the sacrifice that had to be made in order for us to live. I understand that He had to come down- that this was mandatory for our salvation- but that He in turn chose to come? This blows my mind.

And now, as I think of the cross, I see His glorious love displayed for us all. I see His commitment and His loyalty. I see the pain He had to endure. But I also see His triumph. A triumph over death, over hell, and over sin. I see a perfect love from God the Father. I see Life.

As God reveals Himself, I stand in wonder at the true love He has for me.

In all reality, this should not be the only time we think of the cross. It should be on our hearts every moment of everyday.

Jesus is alive and He's coming back soon, and if we honestly believe that, it should be on our lips.

"For Christ also suffered once for sins, the righteous for the unrighteous, to bring you to God. He was put to death in the body but made alive in the Spirit," (1 Peter 3:18).

He really does love us

Sometimes it's difficult to remember God's love when things fall apart. It's difficult to remember His promises and how faithful He is, during those times when life is not prospering.

But our God knows what we need and when we need it, and just so know, He is faithful.

God reminded me of His love today. He's been reminding me my whole life but it pretty much punched me in the face today. The most loving punch I've ever taken.

I serve a God who chooses to bless me and answer prayers I had never even prayed. I was humbled and completely confused as I sat in awe wondering, He answered this prayer that I never even prayed. I should have went to Him for that, so why did He bless me anyway?

And then I remembered.

God is good.

He is so good! He wants to bless His children. He wants to bring them joy and fulfillment- that of which can only be found in Him.

There are so many prayers from the past- prayers that he never answered- that I am thankful beyond belief for. He wants to give us the desires of our hearts, but He also knows that there is something far greater- something He has planned- than what we want in the moment.

He protected me from relationships that were not edifying. He did not answer prayers of weak desires for a boy who would never have loved me the way he should. I look back and I can see all of the times where He was protecting me and saving me so that I could be pure, emotionally and physically, for my husband.

I cannot not put down in words how thankful I am for those unanswered prayers.

And then even now, for the answers of prayers that I never even prayed.

He knows all and sees all. He has a plan. And sometimes it includes little things like allowing me a day off from work, or playing a song that always grabs hold of my heart.

It's the little things. But it's also the really big things as well.

"If we are faithless, he remains faithful, for he cannot disown himself," (2 Timothy 2:13).

Losing sight but regaining perspective

I've lost sight of Him.

I never lost sight of him, the creator of the universe. But I lost sight of Him. Does that make sense?

I lost sight of His heart.

I lost sight of the God who loves me, with a love so deep that no water can quench. I lost sight of the God who cares for me. I lost sight of the God who, though I fail Him day in and day out, wants to walk with me through every wretched moment of my day. I lost sight of the God who wants to use me. Me? Yes, if only I will obey. I lost sight of the God whose plans for me have always been to prosper and not to harm me.

Whose love is so deep that it did not just stop when He realized my sin was too great. But that He made a way.

Who came down from His place in heaven and took on flesh. Who lived among His creation and saw the destruction of mankind.

Yet chose to pick up that cross, beaten and bruised, and walk to His death, only to raise to life again, so that I may live too.

I lost sight of Him.

And as if the cross weren't enough, He chooses to bring blessing upon blessing into my life, and I am humbled beyond belief!

What a wretched, yet forgiven and loved, person I am.

How could I have ever lost sight of Him?

Valentine's Day Gone Totally WWWWRight.

  

What did you do this Valentine's Day?

Did you go out with a date- the one you've been crushing on for- like- ever, who finally gained the courage to ask you? Were you someone's Valentine? Did you spend it with your husband who made you feel super loved? If so, us single ladies all envy you.

Were you alone this Valentine's Day? I was, relationship-wise. And you know what? That's okay.

I could have stayed home, asked my dog to be my Valentine and watched chic flics as I scooped three different flavors of Ben and Jerry's into my face. Yup, could have happened. And to be honest, it has in the past.

But this year, I decided to handle Valentines Day a little different.

I said I wanted to step out. To serve God and be used. So?

Three weeks ago a decision was made to put together a young girls Valentine Banquet.

We called it The King's Daughter after the verse "The King's daughter is all glorious within," (Psalms 45:13).

And boy, did He show up.

Putting it all together and planning it was stressful and time consuming and completely draining. There were plenty of times when I decided we should just call it quits. But God had a message to give to His daughter's, and I just pray we were able to send that message to them.

Whether it be the way the flowers sat before them, or the jars of candy they received. Whether they got it by the background music or the lights that strung above them. Maybe it was the actual message given or the prizes they received from the games.

Going into this banquet I was a bit stressed and worried, because there would be girls coming who needed to hear from God, and I didn't feel I could give them what they needed.

And I couldn't.

Only God could. So with prayer and love, we gave them what we could. Material things like above. Hoping that in the midst of it all, God would show up and wrap His arms around His daughter's reminding them of His infinite love and grace.

Hoping that, between all the giggling and frosting and songs and fun, He would be near, reminding His daughter's that He sees them and knows their desires and cares enough to give us His best.

So, relationship-wise, I was alone this Valentine's Day. But spiritually-wise, the Lord was near and completely present.

If you forgot about the Lord yesterday, it's not too late. You can give Him everything today too, and all the days that follow.

Wait | By Russell Kelfer

Often I feel as if God is holding back from me when it comes to who I will marry. But He showed me in the most beautiful way that He is not. Not in the slightest. He has a plan for my life, and one for you too.

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried:
Quietly, patiently, loving God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,
And the Master so gently said,
"Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say, wait!" my indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!
Is Your hand shortened? Or have You not heard?
By faith, I have asked, and am claiming Your Word.

"My future and all to which I can relate
Hangs in the balance, and You tell me to WAIT?
I'm needing a 'Yes,' a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No' to which I can resign.

"And Lord, You promised that if we believe
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And, Lord, I've been asking, and this is my cry:
'I'm weary of asking! I need a reply!'"

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate
As my Master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"

He seemed, then, to kneel
And His eyes wept with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

"All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-
But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power I give to the faint;

"You'd not learn to see through the clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.

"You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of My Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
But You'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.

"The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight,
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.

"You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee,
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss if I lost what I'm doing in you!

"So, be silent, My child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to get to know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, 'Wait.'"

-Russel Kelfer

Close Enough to Whisper

Oh, I know I haven't blogged in a long time. I'm not going to make excuses (mostly because I can't think of any). I'm just going to move forward and begin by telling you something the Lord has recently taught me.

I was asked to do a devotional for the worship team during one of our bible studies. I looked at a particular passage for a long time. I begged God to show me what he was trying to say in this particular verse, but He didn't show me till the end of the message, when I was finally able to show everyone my crazy revelation.

"Then a great and powerful wind tore the mountains apart and shattered the rocks before the Lord, but the Lord was not in the wind. After the wind there was an earthquake, but the Lord was not in the earthquake. After the earthquake came a fire, but the Lord was not in the fire. And after the fire came a gentle whisper," (1 Kings 19: 11b-12).

Now, this wasn't the only thing I was talking on. I was talking about all of 1 Kings 19: 9b-18, but this verse was really stumbling me. I didn't even want to attempt at teaching on it, because whatever I would have said, would never have glorified God in the way that He intended it to.

When I first read this verse, it looked like a message that God mostly speaks to us in a still small voice, and not in the crazy big things. It looked like a message that we need to listen for his quiet voice instead of only searching for it in the big things.

But that didn't seem right, and I knew that that was not what He was trying to say.

If the Lord wasn't in the great, powerful wind that tore up the mountains and shattered rocks, then where was He? If He wasn't in the earthquake or the fire, then where could He have been? In heaven?

I rejoice now, because I know this was not the case. We serve a personal God. One who longs to be close to us and comfort us the way Elijah needed comfort in this passage.

When someone whispers, can you hear it from across the room? No, you can't. When someone whispers they have to be close, and it's for your ears only that they intend those words.

For this reason, I am convinced that when God sent the wind, the earthquake and the fire, He wasn't in heaven or some far off place.

He was standing right beside Elijah the entire time.

And while Elijah questioned God and feared for his life because Jezebel swore to take it, God didn't rebuke him for his lack of faith. He didn't yell at him or become angry for his doubt. He stood beside him and reminded him of all He could do.

Look at that, did you see that? All that I can do? I know that you're scared and that you've become discouraged. But I am still God and I still have a plan. Are you still in?

We serve a personal God. He's not far away yelling at us and telling us to have more faith. He's not only with those who are righteous and holy. He doesn't look at us every morning and decide if we're worth His time today.

No, our God is close enough to whisper.

This is Me and I Think I'm Okay With That

Photo Credit: Amanda Ketcham

I've been struggling with identity issues lately. Who am I? It's almost like I can't remember. I look around and see all these girls, some even younger than me, who seem to have it all together.

I'm single. I have remained so all throughout high school, and am now, officially, a class of 2013 graduate of Paloma Valley High School. Single, if you don't count the two weeks in middle school, my entire life. Is it surprising that I find myself, every now and then, wondering what the heck is wrong with me?

I am weak. I am shy. Most of the time, I'm an emotional wreck, whether it be because my dog dies or because I accidentally hit a butterfly with my car. With me, there will be no sass, no bold confrontation, and if you just so happen to accidentally bump into me, I'll probably be the first to apologize. This is who I am. No matter how many times I put on my wanna-be Ray Band sunglasses, just in effort to feel bold and strong and I-am-woman-hear-me-roar, they'll probably be off in five minutes because I'm afraid someone will think that I think I'm too cool. (Unless it's really sunny. Then I'll probably keep them on. Just sayin).

As much as this may annoy me on most days, this is who God made me. He made me emotional and broken. He's the reason I wear my heart on my sleeve. He's the only reason I am who I am today, and I think it's high time I start looking at these characteristics as a positive thing, rather than a negative.

This is me.

And as long as I continue to sit and mope about who I am not, I will never be able to become who God intended me to be.

At the intern retreat I was introduced to six other girls who all long to serve The Lord. The funny thing was that most of us had nothing in common. While I open my heart up to anyone who is willing to mentor me, others are more guarded- more protecting of their heart. While I like to write, another lives for photography. While one girl's heart breaks for the victims of human trafficking, another is passionate about beginning a movement on her own campus. Most of us had nothing in common. But you know what? Each and every one of us have the same living Holy Spirit inside of us, and it's because of God, and the way He made us and the different passions He placed in our hearts, that begins a movement- a bond of sisters- unshakable by man.

So again I say: this is me.

And right now- accepted or not- I am completely and unabashedly, okay with that.

"Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way of everlasting," (Psalm 139: 23-24).

Oh, How We Are Loved By The King

KJ Photography

"You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit- fruit that will last- and so that whatever you ask in my name the father will give you," (John 15:16).

Yes, you have a choice whether you want to follow Jesus Christ or not. A point- blank decision that we all must make some time in our life. You are able to decide if you will do everything you can to further His Kingdom, or if you will sit idly by- though it's usually more subtle.

There are some people that I know who actually live out their lives in fervent prayer and love, all for the glory of God.

There is someone who goes to my school, who in the past was not walking with The Lord. But let me tell you, once he found his place within the forgiving and merciful love of our God, he has not kept his mouth shut. Not only that but his actions- his encouragement and love towards others magnifies The Lord in ways I'd never thought possible.

The truth of the matter is that this young man did not choose God, but God chose him.

I believe that God saw a willing heart and chose to use his voice.

God chose you. Let me repeat that. God, the Creator of the universe, chose YOU. Of all people He "appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit," (John 15:16). He wants you to set out on the task He called you personally to achieve.

Is that not the most honorable and comforting of news? That The Lord God wants you to do His will?

It's almost as if He says:

For this task, I need someone who has had a broken spirit- someone who has lived through the pain of regret and loss, but longs silently to lead and love others. With this task, I can mold her and give her the fruit of joy and peace. I choose her.

How comforting. Let us hear what Jesus said one more time.

"You did not choose me, but I chose you," (John 15:16).

To The World We'll Never Be Perfect, But Honestly, Who Cares?

I have a confession to make.

I'm not always happy. Sometimes I get a bad case of road rage. My hair doesn't look like this when I wake up and, for the record, girl's eye lashes are not naturally this thick. There are days I go without reading my bible, and sometimes I use the big stall, even though I'm not in a wheelchair. To the world I'm not perfect, and- shhh- you don't have to say anything, you aren't either.

Just thought I'd cheer you up.

But in all seriousness, is this not comforting? I'm not 'perfect.' You're not 'perfect.' We're all not 'perfect.' Are you picking up what I'm putting down? There are times that I feel like we put on some kind of façade, and for what? Approval? Do we have to be someone who isn't us, to be accepted?

I believe that if we were to allow the very essence of who we truly are, who God fully intended us to be, to shine forth, the world will see a light so bright and so appealing, and that our bond as sisters will grow stronger. Where Christ is, so will there be love. An unshakable true love, between sisters of Christ.

To the world we will never be perfect.

Did you know that, to the Big Man Upstairs, you are perfect. He formed you in your mothers womb. We are His master piece- His prized possession. Do you honestly think that a Man so perfect and so flawless and so full of love, could possibly create anything imperfectly? I don't think He can.

And if that's true, that's the most comforting of news.

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well," (Psalm 139: 13-14).

Recovering From My Spiritual High

It's really the little things God does for me.

The Becoming Girls Conference was a blast, and leading up to it my relationship with the Lord and my spiritual growth hit a climax. Now, I'm just trying to get back into the groove of things. I'm trying to figure out,

how did I spend my days and my prayers before the conference?

What does God want me to do now?

What book in the bible does God want me to read?

I'm a mess! I don't know what to do with myself. I find myself almost scared that I'm back sliding in my relationship with God. Before the conference, His Spirit was so real to me, so present. Now, it's just like a faint blur or something, almost like he's not even there. I know he is, but I don't know what he wants from me.

But last week when I was talking to one of my friends, she explained that sometimes, in those spiritually quiet times, God just wants us to serve him.

God has been reminding me of his presence by little things. For instance, a huge flock of birds flying over my car in the most marvelous way. Or me pulling out of my driveway on my way to work and getting a call from my manager saying they didn't need me to come in. Or putting paper liners on the trays at work, and grabbing the exact amount of paper liners that I needed. Or getting every green light on my way home from school.

I know it probably doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me, when those kinds of things happen, I am reminded of God and that He is looking out for little ol' me.

I love the little things.

Life and Love

This is a crazy revelation for me.

I was always praying God would just show me who he has for me, but I don't want to know. I want to be caught off guard, realizing I'm falling in love with someone who's falling in love back. I want God to do what he does so amazingly. I want him to plan my life.

This isn't just a love story, this is my life he's planning. An unpredictable story that even the angels can't perceive. This is love and life, and somehow, while keeping the world in orbit and attending to millions of other prayers, God still finds the time to be by my side and love me were I am.

And that is the greatest love of all.

"God is Love," (1 John 4:16).

Valentines Day and My Promise of Faithfulness

So lately, I've been so busy that I would set a time and day that I was determined to write. But you see, when you go throughout your busy day and sit down just to write, nothing happens. No brilliant ideas, no insane revelation from above. Just me, my laptop, and a pile of homework that should have been done hours ago.

So here we are.

But really, I just wanted to take a minute and acknowledge Valentines Day. I mean, it's a fantastic Holiday when you're dating or married or whatever, but when you're me... well let's just say it could get ugly.

I'm single (no, that wasn't an invitation), and I try my very best to take advantage of this time, focusing on God and growing in my relationship with him. It gives me time to plan out my future and what I want to do and become. But there is always, somewhere within me, this constant longing for someone.

Someone who will care about me and love me inside and out. Someone who will want to know all the things that make me tick and what my dreams are. I want someone who is brave enough to pursue me because somehow, without even trying, I stole his heart.

And honestly, I don't think it's a bad thing. When God created the universe, there was only one thing that he said was not good.

"The Lord God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him" (Genesis 2:18).

In Hebrew, when it says helper it actually means "counterpart" or more specifically, "mate".

So you see, God created us to have someone. He even said that it was bad for us to be alone. My desire for a significant other is just part of how I was made. But I will, for the sake of my respect for my future husband and for the furthering of the kingdom of God, try my hardest to be patient for God's plans for me. (Can you say run-on sentence?)

"The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want," (Psalm 23:1).

Some other versions say,

"The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing."

Lately I've caught myself quoting this throughout my day, especially with Valentines Day coming up. I have everything I need. When I find someone, it will be by the grace of God. It will be a gift.

I want to will be faithful to my future husband all the days of my life, and this Valentines Day I will spend my day with the Lord. I asked him to be my valentine and he said yes. If you want to ask him too, that's totally cool. I'm willing to share if you are.

Oh Birthdays | God's Gift To Me

Once a year.

It happens quite often if you think about it. And for some reason, every year, it's such a big deal. It's nice to feel loved and admired- don't get me wrong- but I never ever, ever want my birthday to be just about me.

Because it's not.

After my birthday party- shh.. don't tell anyone- I cried a bit, partly of joy because I felt so blessed by my family and friends, but also sorrow because I didn't feel like I glorified God enough. We didn't even pray once.

I think I had this picture in my head that the church would come into my home, see where I came from- see my family and love them where they are. That we would gather together, and I could talk about how thankful I was to be given this chance to live. I wanted God to be in the midst of the celebration, because it was Him that I wanted to praise. For life, for purpose, and for chances.

My mother had a miscarriage before she had me. God took my older brother or sister home before they even had the chance to see light. I believe there are a lot of reasons God did that, but mostly I believe He took them home early so that I could have a chance to live.

Now here is a beautiful question that I get to ask myself often, and I believe it would do everyone good to ask:

Is how I'm living my life worth the death of my big brother or sister?

Because if they had lived, I wouldn't be here now. Am I living up to the very core purpose that God has given me?

There's so much more to life than boys and the new greatest iWhatever.

This life is no more than a gift from God, and a chance to live and choose the world or God. I choose God.

I choose God. (Emphasis on I choose God).

God has blessed me beyond numbers with my mom, who made my birthday party so amazing. So maybe I feel bad about the way I acted towards God on February 2nd, the day we celebrated my birthday. But I still have the real thing, February 3rd. And I want to glorify God with every minute of it.

God Bless.

Wake Up, It's Wednesday

Wake up ladies, it's Wednesday. I used to use this day as Wander Wednesday to point out times that I found myself wandering from God, but I find that Waking Up seems a bit more powerful.

The other day, Julianna Morlet sent me and some other girls a text message of words she felt God lay on her heart for us. These beautiful words were powerful and awakened something in my soul. I pray they do the same for you.

"Tell them I love them.
Tell them to love me with everything in them.
Tell them my love does not depend on theirs.
Tell them to be brave.
Tell them to not be afraid.
Tell them the world needs to hear their story.
Tell them they are precious to me.
Tell them I see them, where they are.
Tell them I will meet them there.
Tell them my grace covers their deepest regrets.
Tell them it's time to awake.
To be fully awake.
Tell them to be courageous."

How long will we sit here in the gloom of our day, while the urgency of the kingdom of God calls on us continually. We have purpose. We are not alone. We have a God who wants to use those who are willing, to fulfill his greater purpose. This isn't a game. This is life and death.

So we need to awake.

Who am I? | A Completely Incomplete Bio

Why is it so hard for me to tell you who I am? I'm a worship leader. but what else? That's like asking me what my favorite color is. I don't know. I don't know who I am. That's the point. I'm still figuring it out. 

That's part of life, right? Figuring out who you are? I'm not the only one am I? 

I know that I've been through a lot. That God has unmistakably placed direction and desire in my life. I strive unsteadily to see the face of God. I try and I stumble, but then I get back up and try again. My heart breaks for lost souls, but I fear being their guide. I long to worship God, but sometimes forget what that means. Even though I enjoy it a great deal, I forget to read my bible and sometimes even forget to pray. 

But I know one thing: I'm growing. I'm not who I was yesterday, and I'm not who I'll be tomorrow. There's so many things in my life that could use fixing and God is helping me. But it's a bumpy road. All I know is I'm not alone. 

If you asked me who I was I guess my only response could be this: 

A child of God.

 

"See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God!" 1 John 3:1